Forgive me
by theway.youare13
Summary: How is Amanda feeling right before her darkest secret is revelead? (Written before forgiving-rollins) Olivia-Amanda friendship. one-shot.


_Hey guys, I know lots of writers had the same idea, and it's a little late to add my own version about "forgiving rollins", but I don't know, I didn't even plan it, but today I wanted to write. I hope you don't mind though. It's just a one-shot. If you want to let me know what you think about it, I'll be glad to read you._

_Can't wait for tonight's episode! _

_Bless you._

* * *

It was bound to happen: the end of Amanda's career at the NYPD. The whole squad was about to discover the terrible secret that was slowly but surely killing her.

For Amanda, it's been the longest working day ever. She often felt like she would never make it until the night but it has never been as hard as it has been that day. Placing her frozen hands on her stomach, the blonde took place on her couch.

For once, she decided not to run away from what she was feeling. Well, she didn't exactly decide it, but she had been running her whole life and just maybe she couldn't take it anymore. The problem was, she didn't know what felt worse. New-York was a cloud of peace between a tortured past and an uncertain future, but it was all just a lie. The most beautiful lie life had been given to her, but still an illusion. From the second she got in the big city, Amanda pretended to be someone she wasn't.

Shouldn't she be relieved, in a way, that justice would finally be done? Nothing was settled yet, but whoever thought it wouldn't be that way, didn't know what the NYPD and specially her squad was capable of. New-York wasn't Atlanta. "Her" team would fight for justice and yet, the blonde was feeling melancholic. She would miss such a loyal, devoted, and caring squad. It was her own fault, she hadn't played fair and now, she would pay for it. But still, a part of her wished this beautiful lie would have carried on for a little longer.

That's true, lately, she couldn't sleep or rest anymore. Maybe, if she had stopped for a second and tried to fix what wasn't right, she wouldn't feel that way now. But she'd been stubborn, like she's always been. She didn't look behind until the past overtook her. Even now, that she had to stick with the bitter reality, Amanda was looking for an escape route.

The blonde took a deep and painful breath. There was nothing she could do to avoid the end but at least, she would do it her way. All right, her team would know she was a fucking coward and a liar. Maybe that she wasn't worth being a detective but she didn't want them to think she was an easy girl. No, this, she couldn't handle and that's exactly what Patton would say.

The blonde opened her computer and started to write.

_"Sergeant Benson,_

_Soon you'll discover I haven't being honest to you and the team. Soon you'll think that you were right to never trust me. Still, I want to thank you for the opportunity I had to work under your watch. I used to admire you before even I had the chance to work with you, and please do know that I haven't change my mind. You're an inspiring woman and in this man's world, we need more people like you, and less like me. "_

The wealth of tears running along Amanda's face didn't distract her from her task. Maybe it even felt good to let them be. She had to change her last sentence though, it was far too inappropriate. Well, the whole letter was, but she couldn't care less, Olivia deserved to know she was the best at her job. New-York might have been just a lie, but during this five years, Fin taught her what real friendship was about. Amanda smiled a little remembering one of the numerous proverbs the man had the power to create. "A real friend watches your back and don't touch it".

Her dark smile soon vanished. It felt like she finally met the family she never had and now, it was time to let them go.

Anyway, the blonde shook her head a little and corrected her last sentence.

_"Even tough you're an inspiring woman, I feel like it's time for me to move on._

_Please, accept my immediate resignation._

_Again, I thank you for the opportunity you gave me, to be part of your team. I would forever be grateful for everything I learnt in your company._

_Detective Amanda Rollins"_

Without thinking it twice, she sent the email to her superior. She had to do it before she realised it was probably the last time she would sign as "Detective Amanda Rollins". One minute after, it would have been too hard to say goodbye to her dream-job. Helping another woman wouldn't be possible anymore now that the whole world would know she hadn't been able to help herself.

After sending the letter, she had to get as far from the computer as her legs would allow. Unfortunately, she was shaking so violently that she couldn't do more than three steps, before falling on her knees.

"And now what?" She murmured to the ground in front of her. "What will I do?", she angrily demanded her own silhouette.

Silence. That's all she got for an answer. She waited like this, on the ground, hating her own shadow, until she couldn't stand her own presence anymore. Who would she be, now that she couldn't lie anymore? Why was it so hard to breathe? It was time to face the reality, she had no-one and she would drown here, in her own ocean of regrets.

"Frannie, come?!" She finally commanded, but it sounded more like a question, as if she was asking: "Frannie, are you hating mummy too?" As soon as the dog heard her name, she came closer and rested her head on Amanda's lap. "Of course I love you mummie, whatever happens." That's what she would have said, if she could speak But Amanda was far too lost in her thoughts to realise it.

* * *

Olivia frowned, she hardly never received mail from Amanda, her guts were telling her it was nothing good, specially now that they just began this case with Patton. She had to read the lines a few times to simply take in the information. All she could feel in that moment, was the pain, the despair in which Amanda was. From the second she called the younger detective in her office, she could feel something was wrong, but now there was no space for doubt anymore and even though it was late, she couldn't wait until tomorrow to solve the situation with Amanda. She grabbed her coat and left her apartment in a hurry with a simple question in her mind. Was is true? Did she never trust Amanda?

* * *

Amanda ignored the doorbell a few times. What else was there to add? She would be losing her job anyway. At least, she wouldn't get fired if she left first.

"Rollins!" Olivia shouted from behind the closed door.

The brunette sighed. Why was she always able to show compassion, except with her? Why did she always sound bossy when it was about Amanda? Anyway, she'd answer that question later, but for now, there was one thing she needed to do, if she wanted to reach for the blonde detective: drop her own mask.

"Amanda", she asked, softly this time. "I need to talk to you"

Amanda hesitated. A part of her wanted to hope, that it wasn't over yet, but it would only make things worse. For once that she took a decision, she would stick to it, it didn't really matter how hard it was. Beautiful illusions hurt more than whatever abominable reality.

"There isn't much to say" the blonde answered, without opening. She wanted to sound strong but her cracking voice betrayed her.

"Fair enough" Olivia admitted. "Can you at least, listen to me, please? Because right now I feel like I really missed something" What if Olivia had given a chance to Amanda, what if they became friends? Guilt was not the only reason why Olivia was begging, she was mostly there because she cared and she hoped that Amanda would get it. "And if I'm going to lose one of my best detective, I want at least a chance to say I'm sorry."

"You did nothing wrong" Amanda mumbled, letting the door half-opened. "It was my choice, and I fucked up" She added, letting her boss behind the door as she walked back inside.

"Listen to me" Olivia followed the young woman."Can you please look at me?" The brunette asked not really sure of how to handle a discussion with Amanda's shoulders. "It doesn't sound like you had a choice Amanda. You did what you could with what you had. You protected yourself in the best way you could find then" Deny reality isn't always a choice, sometimes it's the only way to survive, until we find a best way.

That's when she couldn't resist anymore. That's when reality slammed like a giant wave on her face, and her body began to shake fiercely. "I cou... I shoul.. Wh... " She should have, she could have, why didn't she fight?

"Shh" That all Olivia could say, when she welcomed the blonde into a motherly hug. Words wouldn't resolve a thing right now, but her simple presence would. That's what Amanda didn't have then, someone, anyone. How many women would have a different life if they just met one right person along the way? Someone to tell them, it's okay. "Amanda, we're on your side now, I'm on your side"

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please forgive me" The blonde kept repeating while struggling to get some air. There was nothing to forgive but she was letting go the weight of guilt and for Olivia, it was far enough for now, so she let Amanda cry in her arms, until she had no tears left. "I can't to this", the blonde repeated with despair.

Thinking about Amanda's old captain, Olivia got a sick feeling. Had he really resolved such a situation by transferring Amanda? That was no wonder why now she was afraid to lose her job. The brunette let go of the still sobbing woman, because she needed to establish eye contact. "We're gonna get justice, together!, I trust you"

Amanda shrugged. Wasn't it ironic? Now that she lost faith in anything, Olivia did trust her.

"You don't have to believe me right now" The brunette added, noticing the confusion inside the blue eyes. "But still, do you think you could tell me what really happened, with Patton?" Olivia asked, with deepest tenderness.

Amanda closed her eyes.

So, it was going to happen, her darkest secret would be revealed. But contrarily to what she imagined, she would be the one to tell it and Olivia would believe her. The blonde detective gave a small nod.

It wouldn't be easy, but at least, now it was possible. She would forgive herself, someday.


End file.
